Friendship - "Bearing One Anothers Burden"
I know I talked about this a bit when we were walking through the waiting period of our last miscarriage. I am convinced that most simply don't know how to "be there", to weep and laugh with a friend and not try to "fix it". I read the book this quote is from years ago....and it is a good one... the book contains powerful thoughts on joy in the midst of terrific emotional pain. I really should review this book. I thought of giving it away last week - but I've highlighted it. ::snort:: I keep thinking of a couple of women who this book may minister to...still praying about which one to give it to - or maybe I should buy more copies.
I've also been thinking a lot about friendship and what God means for us to be for each other in relationship in the body of Christ. Thumbing through this book, I found this quote. It says it so well....THIS is the type of friend I want to be for others...and the type of friend that I pray God brings my way (and He has been faithful to do so).
"Did you ever take a real trip down inside the broken heart of a friend? To feel the sob of the soul - the raw, red crucible of emotional agony? To have this become almost as much yours as that of your soul-crushed neighbor? Then, to sit down with him - and silently weep? This is the beginning of compassion." Jess Moody quoted by Carol Kent in *When I Lay My Isaac Down - Unshakable Faith in Unthinkable Circumstances* p 83.
10 comments:
De'Etta, this would indeed be a wonderful friend.
We talked a lot about this type of empathy as opposed to sympathy in my Hospice training...just being able to be with a person as they work through their troubles, sorrows, hurts, etc. It is a tough thing to learn.
I remember reading that when we feel we need to fix it, it is for us, not the other person...we do not like to feel uncomfortable, so we try and make it all better. Being able to be uncomfortable with a friend is a great blessing.
That book by Carol Kent is a really good one. I have recommended it to a few people.
De'Etta, I agree with you that there are some who just simply don't know *how* to "be there" for others. But recent experience has also taught me that there are those who don't know how to accept someone being there for them. I am one who is more than happy to just sit with someone, cry with them, and even pray with them if that's what they feel like doing. Mostly because I don't know how to fix their problem ~ it's something that can't be "fixed" ~ and so I just want to share their burden with them. But in wanting to be there for others, I find my efforts being rejected. It's not in my nature to just drop off a meal for someone. But I have found recently that there are times when other people's pride gets in the way ~ they don't *need* someone to sit with them, they're fine, they don't need (nor do they want) anyone else's help. Coming from the other side, as one who prefers to just sit quietly next to a person who is grieving or in pain rather than acting in some way, it can be very frustrating. I am thankful that there are people out there whose immediate reaction to any kind of tragedy in another's life is to make them a meal; that's not my way, but I have found that those who make meals are the ones whose help is more readily accepted. That's difficult for me to understand. Instead of sitting and weeping with my friend, I usually pray for them and cry for them alone. I can't force someone to let me come sit with them if they're saying they don't need anyone to sit with them. But, you know me, I'm usually the oddball in the group when it comes to things like this.
DeEtta,
I was blessed to hear Carol Kent speak a few years ago and will be going to a retreat where she will be speaking for the entire weekend. It is in Sept. and I so look forward to it.
I understand the need to just sit with a friend in pain and cry with them. Unfortunately most people are never taught how to grieve with someone. They say things in an attempt to help but fall short. It would be a good thing to teach and explain to women in a bible study or something. So often we get frustrated with the one trying to help thinking they are insensitive. I believe for the most part they have simply not been taught.
LOL Trish- I know what you mean. I simply want to be the type who DOES understand and really you don't have to sit with a person (as you've learned) to be there in the crisis with them....
I think in our society meals are simply the way folks "act"....because a lot of times it doesn't make a lot of sense. If I have help here because I'm having a baby - I don't need a week of meals. If my dh has surgery and is home.....and I don't have to be running around - I don't need a week of meals....but we say we "care" with food in America....and it seems to that food is beginning to define hospitality as well.....food seems to be an "inroad" or something. LOL
Thanks for sharing your viewpoint.
Gilda - amen! I agree wholeheartedly - which is why I make it a point to never get upset with things folks say when I'm "going through" as we say in gospel services. LOL They just don't know....but I want to do my part as often as possible to let folks know it's OK to just BE a friend and NOT have the answers and not be able to fix the problem.
Carol Kent was the speaker at the national PWOC convention the year her son was arrested - in fact she was THERE when she got the call. I've done several of her short Nav Press Bible studies in groups and they are always good. I'm considering one of them for this fall. Which is WHY I've been thinking about this book again. LOL
Ack...the comment thingy is acting up. De'Etta - I appreciate your thoughts. I'd love to read a book like this. I am going through some pretty cruddy stuff and would be blessed by someone who would just hold my hand and cry with me. Gosh, I can't even tell you what a blessing that would be! On the other hand, I am a "fixer," and I know that I haven't been a good friend to others. God is using this time in my life to teach me how to be a better friend (and wife). He is so good... Thanks for your thoughts. You encourage me in so many ways. ~Yvonne
Sis:
I like what my good friend Kathy H. said years ago when we had a big thing to go thru... She came over (with food of course) and told me she would do and be whatever it was I wanted of her and etc. It was and has always been a help to know that Kathy is always there not to offer any judgment calls, not to fix anything but to just be and do (cry) whatever it is I/We want and need.
l/p
I love that quote, De'Etta. Very powerful. Interesting to hear another point of view from Trish. Hmmm.
I think the main point to be taken from the quote and your reflections on the subject, De'Etta, is to always remember we don't have the answers for another person, we don't have to "fix them" and we should be very careful about offering them platitudes of any sort (even if they are well-intentioned). Being a friend, however that is communicated - sitting quietly, crying, with them, or even laughing and letting them feel like everything is all right (sometimes it's just as helpful/important to let a grieving or struggling person feel like life is "normal").
Yvonne, I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. Finding a friend who is comfortable coming alongside you during difficult times is really rare. It sounds like God is teaching you quite a bit right now.
When I went through my "depression" about 4 years ago the Lord really took me on a 6 week journey on what Godly friendship is . . I am going to put that book on my to read list.
Post a Comment