Things are Happening

 Big things are happening with our youngest two girls.  These years are amazing....the senior year hits with fuzzy plans....and before you know things are falling into place and they are flying high! 

Allie is about to wing across the continent participate in the film program she's been accepted into. OK - not until fall - but it feels imminent.  Stacia has decided to finish her Bachelor of Artgs degree and then pursue a Masters in Teaching English as a Second Language. 

Of course, our thoughts and conversations visit the upcoming separations....the girls have solved the problem of missing each other. 

It just may work! They'll have to try some practice runs. Treat any large boxes coming your way from Alaska with great care. 

A Depressed Dog, a Sprained Ankle and a Therapeutic Exercise

Millie does her best to nudge Michael into getting up. I find it hilarious when she gives up and joins him for a snooze.  She misses her college girl. I think she gets a bit depressed. 

My one goal today was to finish my victim impact statement and get it mailed into the Department of Corrections, so my words can be included in the pre-sentencing report for Josiah's murderer. I have been DREADING doing this. The first two questions were fairly easy. There were tears as I shared how his murder has impacted me, how things have changed and then I hit question number 3. Share what you'd like the judge to know about your loved one, share memories, anything else you want the judge to know as he or she considers sentencing.  Whew!  My thoughts swirled. I knew I would need more than the space allowed. They encouraged you to add a page as needed...so I did.  I had so much I wanted to communicate to the judge. At points in the trial, it felt like Josiah's life had less value than the defendant's right to a defense. The state has the burden of proof. This is good - but I didn't expect a defense lawyer can say hateful things which defamed Josiah's character without proof. But they can. I wanted the judge to know Josiah's life had value; he was a good, caring, loving man, and he mattered. I began writing...

Allie came home early from work. In the midst of breaking up a fight between a pure-bred Doberman and a mutt, she was thrown to the ground and injured in the tussle. Michael took her to urgent care for a check-up.  Allie came home with an ace bandage for her acute sprain and strained ligaments AND most importantly a note for work.  (Note *I* am being dramatic; Allie had to be persuaded to go to the doctor). 

I continued to write and edit. We have been told we can speak at the sentencing, but we can't speak directly to the criminal and must direct our words to the court. I wrote much of what I want to say to HIM while telling the judge what I thought about various things, and I realized I COULD speak to him while addressing the court. snort:: This turned into a therapeutic exercise; gut-wrenchingly hard but therapeutic. My voice will be heard. I was allowed a bit of power in sharing who Josiah was; what the community lost with his murder, and what I think needs to be done. 

Yes, I DID need additional pages! 

I fixed and served dinner. I hadn't spent much time outside today so I walked the packet down to the mailbox - 1.5 mile walk. 

It's on its way. 

Stacia came home with a friend, Lonicera, and they took Allie's mind off her aching ankle. The girls will be in Lonicera's wedding in June. 

This is my favorite shot. 

We enjoyed the brief visit. Millie is a bit perplexed by Stacia's comings and goings.

How I Raised Them

I've become a rather lousy blogger and I apologize. Allow me to share a few excuses. ::snort:: The holidays were tough following the anniversary of Josiah's loss, I've been processing the whole political season local and national, and I have also been processing broken and lost relationships... That covers Nov - January.  February arrived with the trial and THAT sort of processing...the long and short of it is I'm finding my way back to a new normal. This is not to say I have "moved on," rather I am learning how to travel well with my new companion named "grief."  

My counselor pointed out I'm starting to do "things" again, and they are brining joy rather than exhaustion. Michael and I have begun planning for a couple parenting workshops we have been invited to facilitate.  We are attending a local care group. I have begun attending a Ladies Bible study at Wasilla Community Church, the church Cory pastors. This has given me the joy of not only attending Bible study with a great group of ladies but also being able to sit under our daughter, Arielle's, ministry. Good stuff. 

Since it seems grief isn't going anywhere far, it is time for me to learn to blog with that tenacious companion. 

Here goes!!!! Today, Krista and I met at that favorite of all shopping places - Costco. Many were there to stock up against the impending eruption of Mt. Spurr.  We were there to purchase a couch for KrUke to take with them when they move.  Their unaccompanied baggage will be packed out in April, so it was time. It makes me sad as I'm about to lose THIS Costco buddy. 

Krista treated me to an "80% less sugar" iced chai and lunch at Yak and Yetti. YUMMM - Nepalese food. 

We fought through the Costco crowds and finally checked out with a full CART of groceries, and two flatbed carts loaded with three big boxes containing their couch. We had thought we could load them into her jeep and my mini-van, I brought Mike's truck "just in case." By this time, we realized it was a good thing I had brought the truck.  We were told associates would help us load the truck. We TOLD him the taller, square boxes should be on the bottom in Mike's truck and the long, thinner box on the top. He refused. 

I really think these should go in first!

I kept offering helpful comments such as, "This does NOT look good." Krista offered physical assistance. 

No, I DON'T feel good about this.

He threw the boxes up there and ran for the hills. He said he couldn't help with strapping them down. We threw a couple of straps on, and Krista did the snap, "That's not going anywhere" test Mike is famous for, I snapped a photo and texted Michael. Michael began blowing up our phones. At this point we agreed there was NO WAY I was driving THIS back to the valley on the HIGHWAY. 

Can you even imagine?

We discovered none of the boxes were small enough yo fit in Krista's Jeep, so she went to base to get Luke's truck. AND here is the point of this story. 

I raised my boys (girls too come to think of it) to offer assistance when you see it may be needed. I am amazed at how many men walked or drove by laughing and making silly comments but not offering to HELP us move these three heavy boxes. One even said, "You were loading those an hour ago when I went in." Krista laughed and said, "Yes, yes we were."

I raised my girls to figure out how to get the job done if no one offers assistance. 

 First, we began sliding and dropping boxes from the truck bed onto carefully positioned carts. 

Krista corralled a man walking past and asked him to please help us with just the one long box. He helped get it into the back of Luke's truck. We only had to slide it in...Krista pulled and guided, I pushed....

Our next challenge was getting Krista out of the truck. 

We lifted the other boxes back into Mike's truck and strapped them down. It was a much better solution than the original leaning tower. Krista followed me out to the Valley. 

Alex and Nolan met us at home, and they made short work of unloading into KrUke's storage shed. We're all ready for the packers. 

Stacia is house-sitting and dropped by about the time Allie got home from work. We played 30 minutes of "Tell me without Telling Me,"  before the girls disappeared. GG went to bed. Michael and I spent a delightful evening in the hot tub. 

Grief Update - Trial Prayer Requests

Alrighty,now. It's been a month since I blogged and there is much to blog. Before I put my hand to "catching up" I thought I'd write THIS post...to share a bit of our heart and the areas where we could use prayer/support. 

I have been asked, "Was this Christmas easier than last Christmas?" 

No. 

I can think of a few reasons. As I've written before, we were numb last Christmas. The truth of "never" is setting in. We will never celebrate another birthday, Christmas, family gathering with Josiah this side of heaven. 

And then there is this, when we gather, Josiah is always missed. His absence is glaring, his presence is felt which brings comfort and an aching longing at the same time. That doesn't go away. 

Due to being house bound, first with a knee injury and then with a virus, I have spent a lot of time reading this month. This has been good for me.  People have recommended authors who "get it."

I have found my grief being questioned. I have concluded several things....first, a sudden, violent death leads to a complicated grieving process (so says my counselor).  My counselor also encourages me that it is healthy to admit emotions, it's OK to cry - EVEN NOW, it is perfect to hold the joy and the sorrow together and the intensity of each is enhanced by that holding. My intimacy with Jesus increases as I admit where I am. Lament is holy. 

I have this silly sticker of "Joy and Sorrow" on my laptop! Way before the movie, God impressed the concept of both existing together on our hearts. Since I need a photo for this wordy post....

If Josiah was worth loving, he is worth grieving. I will not rush this process or force it to conform to an arbitrary timetable or chart. This journey will be what it will be. 

Maybe a better question would be, "How was this Christmas?" 

It was gut-wrenchingly hard and breathtakingly beautiful! I look forward to sharing some of the beautiful moments with you as I catch up. 

But FIRST - I have thought hard about what to share about the trial as we don't want a bunch of stuff "out there" which could be problematic. Please understand I am going to make some broad statements and if you feel a need to know details those are for in person discussions rather than internet perusal. 

Trial - we are not looking for the trial to bring healing or ultimate closure to our hearts. That role belongs to Jesus. It took a fair bit of wrestling for me to be able to write I am not looking for vengeance, but justice. I attempt daily to walk out the forgiveness I determined to extend to the murder defendant. Justice belongs to God and in our country, there ARE laws of conduct, and we DO look for the justice that our local system can provide.  

The trial was slated to be the first two weeks of December.  Then we were told to keep January clear and finally it was scheduled for the first two weeks of February. As we begin to hear more of the details of the trial the reality of having to watch and hear our son murdered sets in.    Here are some thoughts and ways you can pray for us as those dates approach. 

I find myself praying as Jesus did in Luke 22...."If there is any other way to get justice, please let us avoid this - but your will be done."  If there is some way God can be glorified in a trial - we're there. 

Prayer Requests:
1. If a plea deal which brings justice could be settled - even at this last date - that would be great! Pray for our souls to accept a trial may simply be the way God has willed for this to be walked out.

2. Our hearts. Pray for comfort, forgiveness, God's presence for all. 

3. Pray for our facial expressions and for our verbal expressions not to get us kicked out of court. 

4. Pray for God to be glorified. 

5. Pray for each of us as we decide which portions of the trial we will witness. 

6. Pray for a fair, strong, courageous jury. Pray none of them are traumatized by the evidence they must consider. Pray that God uses even this in the life of the jurors to draw them to Him. 

7. Pray for truth to be revealed and acted on by both jury and judge. 

8. Pray for the three who are traveling up here to help with GG, be with us at court, and help for those weeks.  Easy travels.

9. Pray for those arranging childcare to attend, and for all our children during that week (there are 14 of them)as the adults may be wonky. 

10. Prayers for HEALTH are appreciated. 

In addition...the time set for the trial falls on many "big" family dates. I don't even know how to pray here...but it pulls on my heart. 

7th - Josi's first birthday

8th - Nolan's Birthday 

9th - would have been Josiah's birthday

10th - Livie's birthday 

11th - Alex's birthday 

14th - BreZaak and Our anniversary 

20th - Jamin's birthday 

I was asked, "What do you think Josiah would want for an outcome in all of this? What would he like the price of his life to be?" 

Wow. Good question, isn't it? It's given me something to consider these past few days. 

I'm just starting to forge an answer. Josiah loved big and well. He was gentle and kind - but he wasn't a pushover. He was forgiving but he erected boundaries. 

Josiah would want God to be glorified.  He loved telling people "about his Jesus" and he'd want Jesus to be glorified.  He would want us to forgive, as that's best for all and commanded.

 As for the price of his life? He gave his LIFE protecting those he cared about. He would want his wife/daughters/family/community protected in the same way. The court system may help in that protection, ultimately our lives are in God's hands. I think he would want the defendant contained as long as he is a danger to others. I have no idea what sort of sentence that would be.

There now. Many of the swirling thoughts are out and I'll start showing the happy, beautiful side of the last month - or catching up as we bloggers like to call it. LOL 

Friday!!!

I thought my knee felt well enough to run errands. My first stop was counseling. I discovered driving results in pain. I never realized how much knee motion was required to drive. 

I ended up running one errand and leaving the rest. It was a good thing I went home.

Bre and the kids dropped by, can you see what they brought me? A GRINCH nutcracker! I have started picking one up if it signifies something of our year. The year Krista went active duty I found a female in BDUs, one year a gal skiing for Stacia's adventures, one with gingerbread...I love this one. BTW the grinch responded well to love, kindness, community...its not really a story mainly about stealing and hating Christmas.

 Arielle and Benny dropped by so Arielle could help Stacia style her hair. 

Benny went through some training with Millie. It was cute to watch.

In keeping with my enforced resting regime I read another book and Michael made breakfast for dinner.

Stacia Update

Stacia met with a friend and was invited to be one of her bridesmaids. She and Allie will be in two wedding in June...I think one week apart.  It's an exciting season at the Bible College. 

 Stacia is done with this semester! 

She took her last final and scored well. 

There is one class grade she is waiting on, but we are predicting she will continue her 4.0 college streak. Three semesters in a row...and that first year was a doozy of grief, therapy and blech! 

Stacia is on student government this year, enjoying an online friend who is now living in the dorm and taking in person classes, and doing well with grades. She continues to be frustrated about her employment situation...maybe this lesson of living by faith will be a good one for a future missionary. 

Visits of Cheer

These guys dropped by to visit. The boys ran in with a wrapped gift (see Sourdough cookbook above), a chai and some of Cory's coveted Roca. 

"Bachan! We knew you were sad," Danny excitedly shared. 

How can one stay sad with this crew around? 
 

They visited my snack crate, checked in with Papa...and then when Papa left for his appointment, we settled onto the couch to watch "The Star." That's about all the movement I wanted today. 

Mom loved DQ. I didn't feel like going out, but asked Michael to bring DQ home. I thought he'd know immediately WHY - because we don't do DQ. He decided to bring DQ home for the girls and I but opted for Burger King for he and Dad. ::snort:: Instead of Mom's beloved Blizzards we had a bite of ice cream later on. It was a fitting memorial.

I'm debating if I dare get out and try the walking and such to enjoy Colony Christmas. The weather is going to be so much warmer than typical...and I love getting out....but my knee still twinges and outright hurts with some movements. We will see how I'm doing in the a.m. I'm determined to rest and recover.  

GRACE NOTES:

1. Christmas visits from Grands two days in a row! 

2. Stacia is DONE with this semester!

3. Immanual.